This is the Soundtrack to my Movie

I hate the way I am. I hate the girl I become when I like someone. I hate the way I get submissive and easy, the way i allow people to hurt me. The girl I am in my head would never allow it. The girl in my head would stand up for herself. I need to manifest that girl.


I need a new tattoo. Or to get in a fight. I think Im gonna go up to planet smoothie. Jonathan works a planet smoothie. He owes me the right to punch him, at least once. I wonder if he would let me. Im gonna try.


So Im gonna have a talk with phillip tonight. what do I say?

"So I know we cant have a relationship because you're too much of a pussy. I understand that all we have is sex, but I really don't appreciate being ignored at my own party. Nor do I appreciate the way you look at me sometimes like Im the worst thing that ever happened to you. If you hate me so much then stop having sex with me. I don't need you to be my boyfriend. I don't need you to hold me while I cry, i just need you to stop making me cry."

Wow that sounds pathetic.

What sucks the most is sometimes when we're alone I feel I might be half in love with him.

Hopefully Im just in love with the attention. Thats typical me.

Guys think girls are so complicated. How hard is it to say "You look nice" and kiss me goodnight?! Thats really all I wanted.

So tonight was really fun. Its amazing how little people change. but in a good way you know. Tonight I went on a date with this guy I knew in elementary school. I hadn't seen him since the seventh grade and yet we talked naturally. It was really cool. I think we could actually have a great friendship, and maybe more.

But here it is, the reason we can't, because in my life theres always a reason I can't....He leaves for basic training in 8 days. Just my luck, we've been talking for like 9 months, and when we finally get together, he's leaving.

Well, I don't really know, maybe he wasn't really into it. But I think he was. He seemed to have a good time.

Thats my life though isn't it. Oh well.

And the beat goes on.......

So, I never thought I would be so happy to give up on something!! Today I dropped a class for the first time and seriously. I know i will do so much better now.

All my friends are stressing about portfolio, is it bad that I kinda wish I had taken it, cuz to me it seems kinda fun? just the project part not the paper. For those of you who don't know, portfolio is like this HUGE final project for the honors program at UNF. I quit honors last semester so I don't have to do it, but like i said it kinda looks fun. I could make a project about me, I really could.

Anyway, Things seem to be going okay, last week over spring break, i house-sat and ending up spending a lot of time alone, which was surprising rather nice. I usually hate being by myself, it gets very lonely, but it was kinda cool to just sit and think.

Just getting by i suppose.

Getting by -RJA

We're caught in a cross roads
me and my friends
just trying to figure out
now what, to do with ourselves
working my day job
I feel I'm selling out
steppin up to take my role as a
consumer and nothing else.

It popped into my head. Good song.

Sometimes I think I need to be on medication. I am incredibly depressed for no apparent reason. I want to go and live in a trailer and get a stupid pay-the-rent kinda job. And just die that way. I swear I just wish, I didn't have to try anymore. I want my life. I swear I never thought this would be how I felt at 20 years old. I had a plan, loneliness was not in the plan. Dreams so perfect that I never want to wake up, we not in the plan. I wish my dreams were real. Seriously, need it.

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in

Okay so for some stupid reason I made an OkCupid profile, which is this stupid dating sight. Mostly gotten me no-where. But this guy sent me a messge. And I'm polite so I messaged him back, and his profile seemed kinda cool. But today we talked on IM and he seriously creeps me out. So I'm gonna post our conversation. Tell me what I should do. (Ashley Elisabeth Manuel- Don't show
this to our friends, I just want YOUR advice. Thanks! LOVE YOU!)

Pippi4Von (3:26:10 PM): Hey, This is LaVonne. from okcupid.
ArgessiaKnight (3:26:18 PM): wow
ArgessiaKnight (3:26:20 PM): sup
Pippi4Von (3:26:21 PM): wow?
ArgessiaKnight (3:26:30 PM): This is King o love
Pippi4Von (3:26:34 PM): i know
Pippi4Von (3:26:46 PM): how was your day so far?
ArgessiaKnight (3:26:52 PM): alright.
ArgessiaKnight (3:26:54 PM): yours?
Pippi4Von (3:26:57 PM): pretty good
Pippi4Von (3:27:12 PM): do you have a real name mr.king-o-love?
ArgessiaKnight (3:27:19 PM): David
ArgessiaKnight (3:27:29 PM): www.geocities.com/cyrakazero
ArgessiaKnight (3:27:35 PM): that site has a pic of me
ArgessiaKnight (3:27:49 PM): so how are you LaVonne?
Pippi4Von (3:28:29 PM): im fine, kinda studying, kinda procrastinating
ArgessiaKnight (3:28:41 PM): me too
ArgessiaKnight (3:28:59 PM): I alos am fond of Jonnhy Depp
Pippi4Von (3:29:13 PM): lol, probably not for the same reasons. lol j/k
ArgessiaKnight (3:31:28 PM): yeah
ArgessiaKnight (3:31:51 PM): I LOVED his performance in Secret Window
Pippi4Von (3:32:17 PM): oh yea love that one! have you seen Ninth Gate?
Pippi4Von (3:32:58 PM): its one of his lessor known movies and the story is okay but he plays the character so well.
ArgessiaKnight (3:33:36 PM): i've not seen Ninth Gate
Pippi4Von (3:34:12 PM): you should. its god
Pippi4Von (3:34:16 PM): good*
ArgessiaKnight (3:37:05 PM): tell me about it
ArgessiaKnight (3:38:01 PM): where might i be able to find other pics of you
Pippi4Von (3:41:16 PM): Its based on the book The Dumas Club. well hes a book dealer and he is looking for there really rare copies of this book that has something to do with hell, the devil and such, you know like the ninth gate of hell, and there is this huge conspiracy to set Satan free. its really good.
Pippi4Von (3:41:22 PM): oh hold on
Pippi4Von (3:42:03 PM): http://www.myspace.com/lavonne86
ArgessiaKnight (3:45:55 PM): i see your fond of song of solomon
ArgessiaKnight (3:45:57 PM): me too
Pippi4Von (3:46:13 PM): yea, i like that book a lot
ArgessiaKnight (3:46:19 PM): www.myspace.com/cyrakazero
ArgessiaKnight (3:46:20 PM): me too
ArgessiaKnight (3:46:28 PM): its so vivid
ArgessiaKnight (3:46:40 PM): Solomon tells a woman how much he loves her
Pippi4Von (3:47:09 PM): yea, its beautiful
ArgessiaKnight (3:47:12 PM): i'd love to read that book aloud with me as solomon
ArgessiaKnight (3:47:38 PM): i love how solomon describes his love
ArgessiaKnight (3:48:37 PM): you look VERY Awesome
Pippi4Von (3:48:59 PM): wow, thanks
ArgessiaKnight (3:49:21 PM): you look so gorgous
ArgessiaKnight (3:49:35 PM): i'm looking at the pic that reads "innocent me"
ArgessiaKnight (3:49:52 PM): i REALLY want to meet you
Pippi4Von (3:50:02 PM): lol yea not so innocent but i do like that one, my hair is longer now
ArgessiaKnight (3:50:13 PM): awww
ArgessiaKnight (3:50:18 PM): *hugs tightly
ArgessiaKnight (3:50:36 PM): you've got lovely eyes
Pippi4Von (3:50:41 PM): thank you
ArgessiaKnight (3:51:13 PM): your welcome
ArgessiaKnight (3:51:17 PM): they so pretty
ArgessiaKnight (3:51:19 PM): like you
ArgessiaKnight (3:51:24 PM): *hugs again
Pippi4Von (3:51:39 PM): lol
ArgessiaKnight (3:52:00 PM): your laugher is a symphony of joy
Pippi4Von (3:52:31 PM): you dont know that yet, actually my laugh is kinda annoyingArgessiaKnight (3:52:43 PM): aww
ArgessiaKnight (3:52:56 PM): someone once said i laugh like a monkey
Pippi4Von (3:53:02 PM): lol wow
ArgessiaKnight (3:53:11 PM): so were both in the same boat
ArgessiaKnight (3:53:28 PM): you know whats missing from your pics?
Pippi4Von (3:53:37 PM): what?
ArgessiaKnight (3:53:42 PM): me
ArgessiaKnight (3:53:58 PM): you looking at my profile btw?
Pippi4Von (3:53:57 PM): wow lol
ArgessiaKnight (3:54:16 PM): yep
ArgessiaKnight (3:54:49 PM): your missing the one person who might bring you the happiness you wantArgessiaKnight (3:55:11 PM): and i'm missing the one person who might bring me the happiness i want
Pippi4Von (3:55:26 PM): what a coincedence!
ArgessiaKnight (3:55:36 PM): yep
ArgessiaKnight (3:55:39 PM): it is
ArgessiaKnight (3:56:37 PM): checking out my profile?
Pippi4Von (3:56:50 PM): its friend blocked
ArgessiaKnight (3:57:20 PM): ive set it to private
ArgessiaKnight (3:57:27 PM): NOOOO!
Pippi4Von (3:57:42 PM): yea you did
ArgessiaKnight (3:57:54 PM): add me
ArgessiaKnight (3:58:16 PM): i sent you a request
Pippi4Von (3:58:23 PM): kk
ArgessiaKnight (3:58:38 PM): Hugs Lavonne
ArgessiaKnight (3:59:42 PM): you adding me>
Pippi4Von (3:59:49 PM): ye
Pippi4Von (3:59:51 PM): yea*
ArgessiaKnight (4:00:27 PM): check out my profile
Pippi4Von (4:00:36 PM): yea
ArgessiaKnight (4:01:46 PM): i just added you to my display list
Pippi4Von (4:02:02 PM): wow
ArgessiaKnight (4:02:09 PM): yep
ArgessiaKnight (4:02:12 PM): whacha think
ArgessiaKnight (4:02:59 PM): as for my standards for a girl, your living up tonearly all of them
Pippi4Von (4:03:19 PM): i have a tattoo though, and will have another within about a month
ArgessiaKnight (4:03:26 PM): k
ArgessiaKnight (4:03:45 PM): of what and where
Pippi4Von (4:04:09 PM): theres a pic of the one i have on my myspace
ArgessiaKnight (4:04:20 PM): yet along as you live up to at least 18-22 standards
ArgessiaKnight (4:04:23 PM): your alright
ArgessiaKnight (4:04:26 PM): i saw it
ArgessiaKnight (4:04:41 PM): *hugs Lavonne
Pippi4Von (4:04:59 PM): lol wow, and eventually my feet will basically be covered, and one on my other wrist
ArgessiaKnight (4:05:12 PM): wow
ArgessiaKnight (4:05:40 PM): what will go on your footies?
Pippi4Von (4:05:43 PM): yea i like them, i like the pain, its exciting, and yi get a beautiful product
ArgessiaKnight (4:05:58 PM): aww
ArgessiaKnight (4:06:15 PM): the more we talk the more i want to meet you
ArgessiaKnight (4:06:34 PM): the more i wanna spend time with you
Pippi4Von (4:07:02 PM): i have a few rules on that, we have to have been talking for at least a week,
ArgessiaKnight (4:07:17 PM): k
ArgessiaKnight (4:07:39 PM): we first started talking today or yesterdayPippi4Von (4:07:49 PM): today
ArgessiaKnight (4:08:44 PM): k also, i hope you understand # 27 of my standards the girl mentioned is someone very dear to me (Rule #27 was "girls will NOT be jealous of my friendship with Misty", his Best friend or whatever)
Pippi4Von (4:09:32 PM): Understandable, I have guy friends like that too
ArgessiaKnight (4:11:34 PM): k


Then he said something about how he Really wanted to me, but he would wait.
Then the fire alarm went off in my building and I said I would brb, and then just didn't come back. for a while.

So yea, what do I do? He seriously has like 27 rules on how is girl will be. Its crazy. Gahhh, I wish I was better at being a bitch to people who don't deserve it!

Okay so, here goes.

I think I don't let myself breathe enough. Obviously not really breathe b/c I wouldn't be alive and all that jazz. But just breathe, just not care and breathe. I'm way to worried about everything, and you know whats funny, most people prolly don't know that. I usually try and show the "I don't really care" version of me. but holy crap I fucking care. way too much. I care way too much about what strangers see when they look at me. Thats so stupid I know, but sometimes those strangers turn into not strangers and then you never really know what they first thought b/c they are too nice to tell. I kinda wish I could read peoples minds, because I really do wanna know exactly what runs through peoples heads. Like times when I first meet people and I talk a lot and really fast. I really wanna know how that effects them. But i guess there are some things we never get to know. oh well I suppose but I just wish I could stop worrying. I wish I could know that everything will be fine and One day I'll be happier than I was.

Hmm, Life is short.

Ps. Don't read into this too much, just thinking.

Okay so I know, lik 8 people acually read this so I decided to post here instead of myspace, where like 10 people read it. whatever. So I really do think I'm going to fail, fail college, fail my dream, fail my life. I keep messing up. I was thinking today and wondering if somewhere, in some alternate world there is a version of me, who didn't mess up. You know, the whole theory that every time you make a choice you really make both and an alternate universe is created where the other choice occured. I wonder what that other me is like. is she happy? I really hope so, I hope one of us can be happy and since I'm not it must be her. I wonder if this other me is fat? prolly not, b/c everytime I decided to eat or i decided to not push myself in some sport, she did the opposite, she worked as hard as she could and now prolly has an amzing body. I bet she's not failing either, b/c everytime I decide I really should get some sleep after working on something for 5 or 6 hours and its 3 o'clock in the morning she deicides to push on more and work harder. Everytime I decide to go and be with my friends she decides to stay in her room and work harder and get perfect grades. Thats one thing I have up on her, I have friends, loyal friends, or do I? Friends that can't go and buy me orange juice when I'm sick and I can't drive anyway, even when I let them borrow my car? Friends who let me sit in my room all day crying my eyes out and not once wonder where I am and come look for me? Maybe I'm wrong maybe I have absolutly nothing better than this imaginary girl. I really do fail, and I really do fuck up. Maybe it was supposed to be this way, to teach me not reach to high, or dream to much, or wish for things I cant have. "Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart." So now I am pretty much the only one of my friends that is alone, has no "significt other" It really makes me cry, often, I soo tired of being alone, so tired of having no one to hold me. And I know to some of the people that read this, I sound like the most overplayed broken record in the history of the world but I really don't care. I really don't know what I'm gonna do, I need to fix my grades or i will lose my scholarship but I don't think I have time, and I don't have a back up plan. My father is already mad enough at me, I might give him a heart attack if I do anything else stupid.

I heard some girl at my school has TB. I hope I get TB, then I might have a excuse. Now my excuse is that I'm stupid and thats a lame excuse. well, whatever. So I fail, I'll be a postal worker. Its not a doctor, but same difference right? right.

So I CANT go there anymore, I need to stay away because I cant take the pain. I love him, I love them, but life is to short to be loving someone you can't have. yes, i need to stay away, its a long drive anyway. I hate this, i hate their crap, i just can't take it anymore.

I need to find a real guy so I stop dreaming of guys i cant have. But waiting sucks, it really does.

Wow, so do I sound like a broken record to anyone else? cuz i do to me, to bad i cant figure out how to take this particular record off the player.

AAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHA I hate all this shit, FUCK IT!! BE HAPPY LAVONNE!!!! PLEASE!!!!

Im out.

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )

Ever wonder how the world would be without you? If you never were, where would your friends be? Who would be filling your place?

I just want one happy day. One day where I dont cry, one day with no wishful thinking, no wanting something i cant have. I just want to be content but im always reaching for something that's just beyond my fingertips.

How did i get here? to this place where i "put on happy face" yet behind it and behind the smiles of those around me, race thoughts of jealosy and frustration and anger and need. Why cant i find him? my love, my dream, my one true guy. I have almost decided that i am destined to be unhappy. Maybe you only get to love once and if you dont make it work then you dont get another chance. So maybe im done and everything from now on will just be going through the motions and making my body feel good, but my heart will always be incomplete.

You always hurt the ones you love the most. I cant stand to hurt them anymore. Make the pain stop. Bring me love again.

Holy cow people, this totally sucks! I was on my way to work this morning and i was already late for work right cuz my parents had this huge need for coffee and doughnuts so i had to get them eventhough i was on my way to work. then im going across the Buckman and i get to the top and pretty have to stop because of the traffic that was backed up from I-95. then im moving along with the traffic and all and when i am completely stop cuz the car in front of me isnt moving, this Dodge SUV thingy totally slams into the back of me and totally ruined my tailgate!in case you didnt know i have a 98 honda passport which is the exact same as a Izuzu rodeo. It has a spare tire on the back and the woman ran into the tire and crushed my tailgate which in turn cause the back window to shatter. I think the frame is pretty much okay, and her insurance will cover the damages. but it totally sucks and what sucks more is now my back is hurting pretty bad. i think i might go to the doctor. later for now.

wow i think i must be like the dumbest person ever! I just want to be happy but i keep getting sadder, its really weird. I have random guys sending me messages on my myspace and thats cool, but those always turn into nothing and i always feel rejected even though they didnt do anything really. I just want a make out buddy!!!! ROAR!! i hate my stupid life. last night i told parker when we were walking around hot topic that i would sell my soul to satan if i could be a size 2, and beautiful and me able to feel like i was cute. then i would get guys! i swear im getting all this fixed. it will take some money but one day ill have money and i will do it.
I want love. true love, the forever kinda love. please, i NEED love!

"i was waiting for a crosstown train on the london underground, when it struck me, that ive been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie."

"i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real!"

i love that song, you guys should check it out The Postal Service "clark Gable"

I miss jon, i miss love, i miss my old life. its not that i dont like this life or whatever cuz its really fun sometimes, but then bedtime always come, no matter how hard i try to avoid it. and the dreams are not fun, they only make me miss him more.
i guess thats gonna be all for today.
LaVonne

ps- if anyone knows a way i could sell my soul to satan, let me know.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

I kinda like this one.

hey everybody, im sitting here in the library with my english class and i just decided to update for matt and van. there you go guys!!!! later i will update again.

hey you guys,
you know what is totally awesome. Im at work!!! yea i came to work today and cindy wasnt here and no one really has anything for me to do so im kinda i was sitting at my desk working on something small and redaing ya'll entries at the same time. anywya yea its really coool to be sitting here at work cuz when people walk by my offic ethey think i am really busy cu zim just typing away, so then they dont give me work but i still get payed. its awesome. untill of course cindy come sback and tell me what to do. yea them it wont be so cool. anyway i havent written in a while so just so ya'll know life os good. havent really been doing much but school, work and jon... wiat no doing jon hanging out with jon. haha thats funny.

robin by the way i got your surprise and i just want you to know that i will continue to have fun in that class, oh yea and mr. mcClain said your name was pam. i laughed. oh yea and i told weezer but ima tell you too. brittany and melissa put up a sign that says an army of fun with lots of little soldiers. i want you to take a red marker and put blood on them. it will be great. anywya i have to go so ill talk to everyone whenever i do.!!
LaVonne

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

December
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

pretty much works.

okay so has this ever happened to any of you.

your having a pretty good day right, school went good, started a new job that you really like or something like that and then one person says one thing or makes one comment that just makes you so mad that all you want to do is yell and yell and maybe even say some stuff that would totally end that relationship?

well if that has never happened to you be happy it prolly means you are go with the flow kind of person. Me, Im not. people make me mad, especially people who continuously do the same things that they know make me mad over and over and butt into things that are not their business and try and run my life and dont even care about my happiness and what i want for me.

anyway i think im done venting now, peace out yo!

LaVonne

P.S. by the way if you think i may be talking about you, you are most likely wrong because the person i am talking about would never think it was them. anyway if you wanna know who it is or if its you, ask and ill prolly tell you.

So guess what? i got a new job!! a new business job, at an atterneys office as like a mini seceratary. its totally awesome and i got new clothes too for my new job. I got this great black and little pink polka dotted set and a new black skirt. plus new shoes and a purse. i love my new job and i havent even gone yet. $8 an hour just makes it even better. anyway pretty good, im gonna go read ya'll stuff so peace out yo.
LaVonne

hey everybody i got the absolute coolest present today. jonathan bought a guiena pig! he bought cuz i wanted it and sunday will be our 6 months anniversary.
so we named him rodney and he is just adorable. when took him to show misty and tyler they didnt like him to much but got a little used to him after a while. they renamed him pigmunch. my parents almost didnt let me keep him but then they changed their minds. so anyway im gonna go and play with him now. bye bye
LaVonne

okay so stuff has been going pretty good. school has been totally ridiculus but whatever im still getting in the habit of getting up early enough to pick up everyone. yea anyway so life is okay except im grounded and i really need a job! so yea i think im gonna go now cuz im tired. call jon then take a nap. night-night.

LaVonne